the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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