We won't sleep together?
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
