guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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