My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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