we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
