Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
