The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
