I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
