I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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