I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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