so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
