The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
