I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
