I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
