dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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