I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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