I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Randomize
