Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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