You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Why did my mother make you get naked?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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