Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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