you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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