i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
