If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
