I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
