My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
