no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
