how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
