i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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