Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
