I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
