I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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