anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
how does that bad decision feel?
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