party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
