Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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