you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
