Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
