I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
