I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Randomize
