This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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