I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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