when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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