I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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