glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
