In the future we'll all be gay
operation harelip BJ is a go
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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