yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
We are all done wearing pants today
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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