Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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