Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
