I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
