just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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