dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
