So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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