That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
