if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
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Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
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You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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