life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
