I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
