I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
