I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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