I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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