The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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